Local Primary School Carnival abandoned after ScoMo and BoJo tag team arrives: ‘I don’t hold a hose mate, but I can hold a steel chair!’

Citizens, 

I write to inform you that the King of the Hill tournament at Lithgow Public School had to be abandoned this year due to the most despicable conduct. 

Attending as political dignitaries, our school was graced with both the presence of Scott Morrison and Boris Johnson, two former leaders united in their leadership deficiencies. 

Like any conniving political opportunists, they couldn’t resist the chance for a nice picture participating in this holy contest.  

After having fought my way to the top, I watched on in horror as Bojo hurled himself off the second floor of the school’s historic main building, making martyrs of several comrades in the process. 

ScoMo meanwhile was uprooting one of the metal playground chairs. 

‘I don’t hold a hose mate, but I can hold a steel chair,’ he said to Bojo, who was wiping the dust off his suit. 

Quickly the Bojo ScoMo tag team laid waste to our ranks on their way to the title, courtesy and courage served us no favours, I write to you from the sick bay currently amongst my entire year group sporting a bloodied nose. 

One day we will make these bourgeoisie puppets pay. 

Your beloved and battered, Kolya Krastokin.