Minns’ political rivals exiled to near Lithgow on world’s slowest train

Citizens!

I write to you as we disembark from the train at Lithgow after our marathon journey out of Sydney. On several occasions did we suspect the secret police to be following our trail, thankfully the train actually being on time for once helped us to evade their grasp. 

We note how Premier Minns has once again denied our existence at a press conference for a pie factory opening in Rose Bay today. 

‘No I’ve never heard of them,’ he apparently said to a room of journalists. He is a cunning operator in how he continually pretends to be unaware of the existence of his true political rival. 

Our journey out over the mountains evoked the stories my muzhik Grandmother would tell me about the recently discontinued V-Set trains. For 56 years they operated, in the end being older than many of the occupants on them. I note the considerable nostalgia about their demise, I put it down to a longing for a time far gone, which would shatter if anyone had needed to use the toilets - portals to hell is how my Grandmother described them. 

The rail system in this nation is in a sad sorry state. It is old and slow and consistent in only its lateness. Recent events have shown that even the roads cannot be relied upon. The Metro is the crown jewel because of the squalor around it, nations like Singapore and Hong Kong have had such infrastructure for decades. 

As we wait to march into the bush, hoping of incoming German crypto gold to fund our return, we offer our sympathies to those who have to suffer this system. 

Your beloved, 

Kolya Kastrokin